Tonight I Wanna Cry
by flashpenguin
Summary: Aaron Hotchner is reflecting on his meetings with Emily, and how only after she is gone does he realize he missed the signs. 2nd in the "Bluer Than Blue Series".


_Second in my "Bluer Than Blue Series" following "Vole", finds Hotch reflecting on his meetings with Emily and reflects on how she touched his life more times than he was aware. And once again he realizes too late that he let a golden chance slip through his fingers._

_I don't own Criminal Minds._

_Song prompt: "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban_

**Tonight I Wanna Cry**

A dark house and nerve-shattering silence while surrounded by ghosts of the past - Aaron Hotchner wasn't sure, but this was probably the closest he would ever get to hell on earth. At least until he met the real thing.

He had sent Jack to Jessica's for the next couple days and turned off the phone. Then he poured a glass of the strongest thing he had on hand. If ever there was a reason to want to drown out everything painful, the past couple of days provided the perfect excuse.

Downing the dark liquid, he poured another glass. It was funny how his life had come down to a bottle of bourbon and painful memories he mused as he sipped slowly and tried not think. But not thinking wasn't an option…not when the team was going to lay their co-worker and friend to rest.

Emily Prentiss…where to begin? He had been familiar with her years before when he worked with the State Department. The raven haired beauty with the wide smile and dancing eyes had enthralled him from the word 'go' with her brilliance and witty humour, but alas, she was not his for the taking. He belonged to Haley for better or worse - forsaking all others…forsaking all others. Damn his wedding vows.

Then life happened and he was transferred while she went off to finish school; he never expected to ever see her again. Out of sight, out of mind. Eventually he became the BAU chief and between trying to catch the bad guys and keep his team safe, he did what he could to salvage his marriage. And he almost succeeded…

Until that day Elle Greenaway had a mental breakdown and shot a suspected rapist in cold blood. No one in the team could avoid being sucked into that whirlpool her one action had created. He didn't want to believe she had that dark side, but once he confronted her, he had no choice but to let her walk away. Now came the hard part: pretend that it never happened.

But Erin Strauss had it out for him. God only knew what he had done to piss her off. Maybe it was that she wanted his job or it could be that for what ever reason under God's heaven, she hated him.

With Elle gone, the team tried to recover. So, imagine his surprise when Emily Prentiss burst thru his office door with transfer orders. More beautiful than he remembered, and slightly over eager, she announced that she was the newest team member at the BAU.

Shocked was an understatement. There was no way he could allow her on the team…from the moment she stood in front of him, he felt that old feeling he had buried begin to stir and to say that his feelers were up would have been an understatement. She was the pampered daughter of a politician, but she did have the credentials to back up her abilities - although that part did nothing to assuage the sour feeling in his gut. He would have been suspicious of ANY new person who had been hand picked for the BAU. But Emily put his suspicions on high alert.

But she proved herself from the word go. Down in Gitmo, she came through. Her knowledge of Middle Eastern customs and Arabic were beyond helpful. Breaking up what could have been the worst attack since 9-11, made him realize that she may have been brought in to destroy him, but she was now a valuable member of the team.

He knew she was a mole. Whether or not she knew, he couldn't just stand by and let Erin Strauss destroy everything he had worked for. Plus the stress at home was too much for him to bear; he had to quit. Whether by fate or design, Emily put in her paperwork at the same time. Tongues were wagging, but he knew better.

Still, he needed her as much as the team needed him, so he swallowed his pride and asked her to come back. Together, they stopped a serial killer. Privately, they had made a pact that if she stayed, he would tear up his transfer and not let Strauss or personal problems get in the way of doing the job. But that was easier said than done. Emily had let personal feelings get in the way of a possible investigation. Her withholding of the truth and accusations toward a priest for the death of her childhood friend was almost enough to set the BAU on fire. He hadn't wanted to suspend her, but he had no choice. She had crossed the line.

Looking back now, why could he have seen what was so plain and clear to Dave? Why had he found it so difficult to believe that Emily was telling the truth that something was wrong and that if they only looked deeper, they would find what they were looking for? Why had it been so hard for him to go against the brass when the truth was practically screaming at him? Not a month went by that he didn't kick himself for not letting go of his earlier suspicions and listen to her. He reasoned she had let emotions cloud her judgment. But he was a fine one to talk.

He was going thru his own private hell after Haley took Jack and then served him at work. He tried not to let on that he had been destroyed, but Emily saw thru him. She let him know that if he ever needed anyone to talk to, she would have her phone on. She had given him what he should have given her. No hard feelings. No strings attached.

He had come close so many times to placing that call, but his fingers refused to push the numbers. Looking back now, he wondered what he had been thinking. She had extended the invitation and he had passed it up. He was too hurt by Haley. He had shut down and shoved everyone away. Until the bombing in New York.

Rubbing his eyes, he let the memories overwhelmed him.

Kate's murder had knocked him for a loop. He had tried so hard to get her help and he failed. The funny thing - could he call it funny? - was that the responders had only been following his guidelines, so in a way, he had been responsible for her death. He never had the chance to tell her he was sorry.

Then came The Reaper. The thing that destroyed all that was good in his life. Haley and Jack were in hiding and he had to step down from being BAU Chief. Everything was so upside down. But the one ray of sunshine was Emily. She watched over him. She made sure that evidence was collected while not letting it interfere with the current case.

In the end, he had failed Haley. He had tried to get there in time, but he had let her get killed. Yes, he had let anger get the best of him and beat a man to death with his fists; it had been a matter of life and death. But the team stood behind him. Emily gave back to Strauss everything and then some when she defended his actions.

She had also helped him after Haley's murder by doing little things that he never gave much thought to and now he wondered what the hell he had been thinking by not noticing her greetings, smiles, and once in a blue moon phone calls to see how he was doing.

Suddenly it dawned on him: he loved her. He had always loved her. She was the one he had been waiting for to help right his world. She had the answers he had been looking for. She would never insult him or use his inability to commit fully as a boulder over his head. She loved the way he was devoted to his son and job. She would never make him choose. She would never have pressured him to cry or belittle him if he did. She understood him better than anyone.

She was gone, and now it was too late to go back and say what he should have said years ago. She had become a victim of some senseless crime that no one could have prevented. The hardest part to deal with was that once again, he had been too late to save her. It was slowly becoming the story of his pathetic life.

Now he was never going to see her smile again - but for in his dreams - or hear her laugh. He was never going to turn his head and secretly watch her profile as she scanned a folder with the latest case. And he was never going to know if his dreams of making love to her and having her wake up in his bed could have become a reality.

All because he had been a fool and let his reservations and sense of duty trump being able to live a real life and experience true love. Pouring another drink, he turned the glass around in his hand and just stared at it. False courage. Novocain for memories.

Tomorrow was the funeral. He was going to have to be strong when he stood in front of the crowd and said his good-byes. No one could ever see him cry - tears were not in Agent Hotchner's vocabulary - she would want him to live up to his reputation. He couldn't let her down.

One tear slipped from his eye followed by another and another.

But that was tomorrow.

Tonight he wanted his memories…and to cry.


End file.
